August 15, 2009

A Viking’s farewell

  This week's column is not about cops. It's about a subject the feds are telling millions of us how we should handle our health care.
  According to the proposed Universal Health Care -- all 1,000 plus pages of it -- citizens 65 and older may be interviewed every five years by a government agent about their "end of life" plans.
  Just between you and me, as a Christian my spiritual bags are packed and I'm ready to travel whenever my orders come through. But the government agent doesn't know that, so I plan to mess with his brain a little.
  When I'm asked about my end of life plans I'll say, "Well, I've always dreamed of having a Viking funeral." The agent may not know about Vikings, so I'll have to explain: "I'd like a proper service on the shores of Lake Murray.
  "Next I want to be laid in a bass boat fitted with a Viking sail. A dog must be placed at my feet and kerosene splashed all over me and the boat. Then two men will push my funeral barge out to sea, figuratively speaking."
  The next part of a true Viking funeral is tricky, but it's gotta be done right if it's a genuine Viking funeral. My pastor has to take a long bow with a flaming arrow and shoot it over the lake to land in my boat, igniting the Viking barge, me and the dog. A choir is chanting an appropriate dirge as my vessel sinks to the bottom of Lake Murray
  The part that worries me is that my pastor is unskilled in archery and has zero experience with flaming arrows.  If he misses my boat, a Viking funeral will be disgraced.   In the spirit of Gary Cooper, Beau Geste, and the French Foreign Legion, I have a right to a proper Viking departure.
  There are other concerns. What about a permit from DHEC, permission from the Coast Guard, and the Sheriff's Lake Patrol? I'm also worried about PETA because of the deceased canine at my feet.
  I can't be certain if the government agent will meet my needs. He might call in guys in white jackets to put me in a rubber room. It's not easy being a Viking.

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