June 21, 2009

“I ain’t your Grandma!”

  Bad Nose Babcock walks into the convenience store late one night. He hangs around the drink boxes in the back while three customers pay for purchases and leave.
  Now Libby, the 68-year-old assistant manager, is the only other person in the store. Bad Nose walks up to the check-out, and puts a Diet Coke on the counter. Libby starts to ring up the sale when Bad Nose pulls out a 9mm semi-automatic pistol.
  "While you're in that drawer, gimme all the money so I don't have to kill you!" says the gunman.
  "Go ahead, take it all," says Libby, "it don't matter none to me, it ain't my money." She takes money out of the register and lays it on the counter as Bad Nose scoops up the cash and stuffs it into his pockets.
  The bandit starts backing away and warns the old lady, "Don't you go callin' no cops, 'cause if you do, I'll come back and smoke you — you got that, Grandma?"
  Apparently the word "Grandma" lights a fuse in Libby's temper. Reaching under the counter, the old lady yells, "Grandma? Grandma? Who the devil you callin' Grandma, you idiot?"
  Having said that, she levels a .38-caliber pistol at Bad Nose, closes her eyes and squeezes off a single shot. When she opens her eyes, Bad Nose is on the floor writhing in pain, holding himself between the legs.
  Libby calls the cops. A short time later, Bad Nose is gathered up by the cops and paramedics, loaded into an ambulance, and carted off to the emergency room. Libby is trembling as the cops interview her for the incident report.
  They tell her she probably won't get in any trouble for shooting an armed holdup man. "You're lucky he didn't shoot when you reached down under the counter," one cop says.
  "Maybe so," says Libby, "but I ain't too old to shoot his skinny butt, and I sure ain't his Grandma!" The cops are very careful not to say that dreadful word. They speak to Libby using only the word, "ma'am." The cops do, however, confiscate Grandma's gun as evidence until after Bad Nose Babcock's trial.

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