September 01, 2008

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's...

  Jesse's roof is steep, so he decides to use a safety line. He tosses ski-tow rope over the rooftop — one end around his waist and the other end securely tied to a heavy object on the ground. Jesse knows lots of people are injured in home accidents. He's extremely safety conscious.

  Precautions in place, Jesse begins to caulk the vent pipe collars on his roof. Oh, did I mention that the heavy object he tied the other end of the rope to is the tow-ball on his four-wheel? Not a good idea!

  Jesse is busy caulking on the front side of the roof when his wife decides to go to the mall. She jumps into Jesse's four-wheel, checks the mirrors, looks both ways, and eases out into the road. Try not to get ahead of me.

  It must be providence that makes Jesse's wife glance once more into the rear view mirror. At first she doesn't recognize the flying object as her husband. It's the bright red jump suit vaulting over the rooftop that cinches it. "Jesse?!" she thinks in a silent scream.

  Next, Jesse careens down the rear side of the roof, and plunges back-first into a cluster of holly bushes. Ouch!

  Paramedics lift Jesse gently out of the prickly holly, pluck a dozen thorns from his rear-end, ease him onto a backboard, then carry him to their high-rise ambulance. Jesse is incoherent. His hysterical wife screams repeatedly at the departing ambulance, "Oh God, Jesse, I'm so sorry—I didn't know..."

  Later a deputy sheriff is told by a neighbor that Jesse crested the roof looking like Santa Claus, but without the eight tiny reindeer.

  Jesse's airborne episode is bizarre, and not the least bit funny. But the reporting deputy sheriff said there was not one—not one—neighbor who could describe the incident without fighting back laughter.

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